For years I had atypical anorexia, sometimes developing into anorexia nervosa. In other words, I was JUST anorexic (cos, ya know, its 1 mental illness) but only during some relapses did I become underweight.

Theres less information out there about what recovery looks like for someone with "atypical" anorexia. Because that "type of anorexia" is basically where your BMI is not at or below a CERTAIN number, yes even by 1 point, its pretty ridiculous which means you may not be underweight.

And that was the case for me during my last relapse. So I had to figure it out as I went along really. And a series of events took place not long after I began recovering from the mental illness that is anorexia, including bereavement. I was very scared Id relapse. And I ended up consuming ONLY junk and not exercising for a while. Which, if Im honest, I dont regret for that period of time because I was facing my fear foods directly and as a result dont have those fears or obsessions anymore.

I ended up being sucked into the body positivity movement later on. At first it was helpful, for a while.

But as time has gone on, Ive come to realize my body is not in optimal size for my health anymore. Im 5"5 and 205 lbs currently. And the weight has started to affect me in daily activities, things are harder and uncomfortable. A few things I cant even do anymore!

Most fortunately, I am recovered from my eating disorder, so I am able to safely lose weight now. I am going to do it in a way I feel may be best for me due to my history.

I recently began to eat a vegan balanced diet for my health and other reasons, Im having 2000 calories a day. And when I was consuming junk I was having about 3000 so Id say my diet now is suitable to carry on

Im not going to have a goal weight in mind as not to blindly obsess as I feel that would be too risky for me, so instead I will just lose weight until I AM and feel healthiest. Im assuming itll be around 130 lbs but we shall see lol

I also saw a doctor the morning after I found out my weight was 205 lbs before I did anything at all, which I advise to everyone!

And I will be weighing only once a month. I keep a food diary and rather than counting my calories after every single thing, I do totals instead of multiple things Ive had so Im doing it less.

To be clear. I dont hate my body. It doesn't disgust me and I dont feel like I am worth less than I would be smaller or any bigger. I am just aware my body is not ideal in terms of health for me right now, and cancer + diabetes are in my family too. We dont need to hate ourselves to change.