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In need of a rant about RL...

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Sep 7th, 2016, 10:32 AM  
kaybird296
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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In need of a rant about RL...

So my boyfriend (Jim) and I have been together a little over a year. When we got together, he wasn't long out of a 13-year relationship with his ex, who is also the mother of their two children.

Of course, this means it's necessary and right that they still talk, still see each other, so that they can still be a great team for their kids. None of this bothers me in the slightest, as it's how it should be and they're doing a great job of making it work.

What IS bothering me is in the year since they broke up, she has become friendly with some of my friends (one of whom is my best friend other than my flatmate). She also recently joined SW. Now that one of my friends has joined SW as well and ended up going to the same meeting as her, they've become friends on Facebook and have started swapping tips and such.

Now, she has a lot of her own friends. She got basically all of their mutual friends in the break-up. Jim and I have a small but close-knit group of friends, and that's it. We're both very cagey about adding people to FB that we don't know, so we have small friends lists and we're both very happy with that. So the fact that she's now becoming friends with my friends is REALLY bothering me. I have trust issues as it is (who doesn't), and while I recognise the reasons that Jim has to maintain their co-parenting relationship, I don't see why she needs to have any access whatsoever to my life yet (I haven't yet met the children). I want my friends to be MY friends, and while I know that they wouldn't tell her anything about me, it's really starting to bother me.

Jim and I had a long chat about it last night and he's going to mention it to her, because the girl in question who joined SW recently is also his friend (and in fact, they became friends before she and I did), and after the break-up, he wasn't left with many. It's bothering him, too.

My worst nightmare is her finding this forum, too. It's a fantastic and supportive place to be, no doubt, and I wouldn't want anyone to be deprived of extra support, but it's also become something of a haven for me. I have Jim's ex blocked on FB because I don't want any drama (and I think it might help her not seeing me everywhere on there), but this place is somewhere that I don't even have to worry about that.

Anyway, rant over now. Thanks to anyone who read this far.
 
 
Sep 7th, 2016, 21:16 PM  
Jennie.sto
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I feel for you Kaybird. I am the 'step mother' and do all I can to keep my life separate and private from the 'other family'! I am soooo lucky that my step daughter is now all grown up as life gets easier but when she was younger things were tough (we got together when she was 8, 17yrs ago and now have a little one of our own). My step daughter is getting married next year and has a strained relationship with her mother but as much as I would love to be the one to support her and enjoy the planning I have to constantly remind my self of my role/place as I can't cope with the fallout if I overstep the mark?

I think you are at that stage in your relationship where it is obvious this is not a temporary relationship and its natural to start building friends that are 'your' friends. Difficult times ahead but I am sure you will come out the other side a much happier couple with friends you trust and are supported by.
 
Sep 7th, 2016, 21:54 PM  
kaybird296
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Thanks so much, Jennie. It sounds like you and I operate in much the same way. And yes, our relationship is FAR from a temporary, so there will be some melding of some things. I've been really lucky to have two fantastic step-parents and a really great example set for me, and that's the example I'm going to try my best to follow, but I very much would like as much separation as possible. I'll update as the situation unfolds...
 
Sep 7th, 2016, 22:27 PM  
Jennie.sto
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Good luck xx
 
Sep 8th, 2016, 10:38 AM  
kaybird296
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Well, Jim spoke to her about it last night and she was incredibly sanctimonious about the whole thing, saying that it was all part of her healing and that he "should work on his trust issues". Well, that made me see red given that she's literally the ENTIRE reason that he has trust issues, and throwing said issues back in his face (on a repeated basis) is borderline abuse... Not to mention the fact that because she's had a few CBT sessions she now seems to think of herself as the psychology oracle or something. It just comes across like she's parroting platitudes and slapping plasters on something that just needs air, and her high horse has gotten so tall she's forgotten what the bloody ground looks like.

Had a MASSIVE rant to my bestie about it all last night, calmed right down and I have officially decided that my new mantra is "better, not bitter". People only have power over you if you give it to them. So from now on, I am going to practice detachment. Unless it's something that directly and maliciously affects me or someone I care about, she can do whatever she likes. In the long run, the one being hurt will not be me. Better, not bitter. Better, not bitter.

I'm going to get that embroidered on a throw pillow.

(I'm also probably going to delete this thread, just in case she does find this place...)
 
 
Sep 8th, 2016, 11:04 AM  
AliCat
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Oh Kay, how awful for you but at the same time, well done for rising above it. I totally agree that she shouldn't be able to weedle her way into your life by hijacking your friends. That is so underhand. Keep up the mantra, you are right
 
Sep 8th, 2016, 12:23 PM  
kaybird296
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Thanks Ali, the support is really appreciated. It just feels like an intrusion, you know? I have my life, she has her life, and that's how it should be. Boundaries are important when you're suspicious of someone's motives. But yes, I'm keeping up the mantra and I feel really good about it
 
 
Sep 8th, 2016, 18:35 PM  
Jennie.sto
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I think your mantra is spot on Kay, you are the better person 😄😄
 
Sep 8th, 2016, 18:38 PM  
kaybird296
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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I mean, it doesn't need to be a competition and I never want to get into the habit of seeing it as one, because it's pointless. But I want to be better THAN bitter, if that makes sense? My attitude towards the whole thing, letting it ruin my day and such, has been really negative and I've got more important things to worry about, quite frankly! Just have to shake it off.
 
 
Sep 8th, 2016, 21:17 PM  
Jennie.sto
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Just remember the children also watch quietly from the wings and they don't forget, my step daughter remembers the fact I was always supportive without interfering, polite but assertive when she was living with us. We have a close relationship now and I love her to bits! They grow up so quick and all of a sudden without the children for leverage things do quieten down with the ex partner and you can live a separate life 😄
 
 
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